Rules for Dating my Daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little
for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming
in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up,
the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you
to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should
exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and
early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine."
1.) Do you drive( )Sports Car ( )Van ( )Station
Wagon ( )Motorcycle
(If you checked any of the above,put the pen down,walk slowly to the door,and run as fast as you can)
2.) Please complete this sentence:THE PLACE FOR A WOMAN IS:
3.) In 50 words or less,describe what "NO" means to you:
4.) In 50 words or less,describe what "LATE" means to
5.) Describe where you would least like to be shot:
6.) Have you ever had you testicles( )removed ( )crushed ( )placed in vise grips ( )shredded?
7.) Which is the last bone you would like broken:__________________________
8.) Have you ever thought how you would do things with broken fingers?________
9.) What do you want to be "IF" you ever grow up?_______________________
10.) Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be:
( )quadriplegic ( )permanently scarred ( )crippled for life.
11.) Have you ever seen my hunting rifle?_______________________________
12.) Do you know the effective range of a 30.06?_________________________
13.) Do you know your blood type? Y / N If yes, what is it? ________________
NEXT OF KIN:___________________________________________
FUNERAL HOME (OR BODY REMOVAL SERVICE) OF CHOICE:_______
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR? ( )YES ( ) NO
PARENTAL USE ONLY
LOOKS LIKE: ( )MEL GIBSON ( )DENNIS RODMAN ( )PEEWEE HERMAN
STATUS: ( )ACCEPTED ( )REJECTED ( )ARRESTED ( )TERMINATED