5 reasons not to mess with children.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though
it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As
she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and
thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest
of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The children had all been photographed,
and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray "Take only ONE. God is watching."
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Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.
Alternate Word Meanings
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- Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
- Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which a woman absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
- Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
- Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
- Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
- Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck there.
- Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist."
**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first
two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have
lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off
about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking
lot at the Astrodome. Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Chili #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Judge #1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1 - Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great
kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty,
good use of peppers
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all
of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across
my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could
use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I
am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
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The Da Vinci Code
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow,
they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman'
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TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH:
- Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We
need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about
you leaving it down.
- ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
- If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
- If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We
refuse to answer.
- Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair.
- One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always
cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
- Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
- Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
- Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
- Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
- Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
- When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
- Crying is blackmail.
- Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
- Subtle hints don't work.
- Strong hints don't work.
- Really obvious hints don't work.
- Just say it!
- No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark
Anniversaries on the calendar.
- Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
- Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
- Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
- Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some
war flick where it doesn't really matter what the #### they're saying anyway.
- Check your oil.
- Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
- Check your tire pressure.
- It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
- No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
- All comments become null and void after 7 days.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
- Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
- You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but
- If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- If it itches, it will be scratched.
- Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
- If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
- We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping!
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