Humor

• Abbott & Costello Computer Humor
• 5 Reasons Not To Mess With Children
• Alternate Word Meanings
• Chili Cookoff
• The Da Vinci Code
• Enough Already
• In the beginning there was the word...
• Lawyers...
• Mechanics' Humor
• Moses & Computers
• Murphy's Laws, etc.
• Pictorial Essay on what it might be like if Women Ruled The World
  I got these from my wife, so don't flame me.
• Random Thoughts
• Rules for dating my daughter (not entirely humor)
• The Man Song  (1.19MB WAV file)
• What gender is a Computer?
• Robin Williams on Golf (Movie - 1.7MB mpg)
• The Mootrix (Movie - 2.7MB .asf)

5 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Alternate Word Meanings

• Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
• Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
• Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
• Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which a woman absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
• Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
• Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
• Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
• Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
• Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
• Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
• Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist."

Chili Cookoff

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1 - Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.

I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili #8

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

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The Da Vinci Code

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:


It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!



The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.



The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."



Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.


The audience applauded enthusiastically.


Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......

It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman'

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TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH:

• Learn to work the toilet seat.  If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors.  Peach is a fruit, not a color.
• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
• If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.  We refuse to answer.
• Don't cut your hair.  Ever.  Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
• One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
• Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• Sometimes, we're not thinking about you.  Live with it.
• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
• Sunday = Sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.
• Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.  Really.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• Crying is blackmail.
• Ask for what you want.  Let's be clear on this one:
  • Subtle hints don't work.
  • Strong hints don't work.
  • Really obvious hints don't work.
  • Just say it!
• No, we don't know what day it is.  We never will.  Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.
• Peeing standing up is more difficult.  We're bound to miss sometimes.
• Most guys own three pairs of shoes.  What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
• Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.
• Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the #### they're saying anyway.
• Check your oil.
• Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
• Check your tire pressure.
• It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
• No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
• All comments become null and void after 7 days.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• Let us ogle.  We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
• You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.
• If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• If it itches, it will be scratched.
• Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
• If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
• We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping!